The Three Year Itch

I came home yesterday for lunch.  A rare occasion thanks to an all-day meeting built in with an hour lunch break.  Brendan, my husband, just so happened to be working from home as well. 

As I was fixing my lunch in the kitchen, I made a sarcastic comment to my husband and began to tease him.  He bantered in return and before I knew it I found myself squealing and running in circles around our kitchen island as he chased closely behind.  His long legs eventually caught up to me, he pulled me into his arms, (Warning of a PG13 comment coming...Copped a feel), and then wrapped his hands around my face, pulled me in and kissed me.  I smiled and drew him closer into my arms, not really wanting to let go of him or this moment. 

Before you upchuck, roll your eyes, and close the computer screen, I need you to hear my next statement.  I did not want to let go of that moment, because the truth is we needed that moment.  It was a rare moment in our reality lately.  A moment that signified hope.  A moment that represented healing.  A simple, yet profound moment, reminding me, that we really ARE going to make it. 

Brendan and I are celebrating our three year wedding anniversary today and boy has it been a journey.  Like all marriages, there have been ups and there have been many downs.  No amount of pre-marital counseling, parental advice, or vast amounts of "How to have a Great Marriage" literature could have prepared us for our first three years of marriage.  Unfortunately, you just have to learn from experience.

When you say I do.  You’re diving in...head first...and you just start paddling. 

Some days you feel good, you stop to enjoy the water, play around, and have some fun.  It feels more like your floating and not having to work at all. 

Other days you’re briskly treading water to stay afloat.

While some days you find yourself drowning.  You’re panicking.  You’re on your way down you so you frantically grab on to your partner, not realizing you're drowning them too! 
 

Sometimes the fight is so strong, you give up, you begin to let yourself go...and slowly sink.

I have been sinking.  We have been sinking.  We have found ourselves battling the "Three Year Itch."  (or maybe it's the seven...or I guess it could be whatever year it happens). 

But I refuse to drown.  When I find myself sinking, reaching the point where my lungs are about to burst and I can't last a minute longer...I see a light, and I fight my way to it.  Pushing, reaching, doing everything I absolutely can to make it back to the top. Back to the surface where my husband awaits.

The reasons we drown are different...yet the same in every marriage.  Time, Money, Sex, Selfishness, Criticism, Complacency...you can continue to fill in the blanks. 

This morning I was looking at our pictures from our wedding day and I came across a picture of me with tears in my eyes as I read a letter from Brendan.  I remember reading his words moments before walking down the aisle to say I do...Forever.  I too wrote him a letter.

If only we knew then...what we know now.  Would our words be different?  Would our intentions be the same?  Would our reasons for getting married reflect then what they are today? 

These picture sparked an idea.  It challenged me to write another letter to my husband.  A new letter.  This time, I have a little experience on my side.  It's the letter I should have wrote to him on the day we began our lives as one.  A letter from the future Mrs. Leaming...three years down the road...

Dear Brendan,

I can't believe this day is finally here!  I have dreamed about my wedding since I was a little girl.  I have planned this day down to every little detail...details that the guests will never even notice or remember.  I have worked so hard to pay for things, things that I thought we really needed to have in order to create the "perfect" day, but sadly they will end up getting thrown in the trash by the end of the night. 

We have wonderful pictures that captured priceless moments, but this day will ultimately end up as a complete and total blur.  We are going to blink and it will all be over, only remembering snips of the night and questioning if we were really present at all.  (That's why I am going to blame you in the future for convincing me that we didn't need a videographer). 

 

No more wedding dress, no more tux, no more flowers, no more wedding cake...all that will be left is us. 

 

When I met you, I gave you my best...all of the time.  But when we finally share our lives together, you are going to quickly find the faults that I have been so desperately trying to conceal. 

You will soon discover...My apartment NEVER stayed pristine, I only cleaned it frantically minutes before you would come pick me up to go on a date. 

I have an opinion about pretty much everything! I will say "I don't care" a lot less once we tie this knot.  And when I ask your opinion, I already have my mind made up.  Your answer will either validate what I've already chosen...or I will ignore your opposite answer and go with what I had decided all along.  (This will drive you insane...just a heads-up).  
 

Right now it appears that I'm very independent.  I will tell you that I don't need you, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  I do need you.  I will need you.  I will need you to tell me you love me...all of the time.  I will need you to encourage me and believe in me when I don't believe in myself.  I will need you to show your affection and love for me even when it seems I don't want it or push you away.
 

I will pretend to be put out when you always touch me...sometimes even annoyed...but the truth is...I love it...I crave it...when you don't, I will always know something is wrong. 

And wait until you see my bank account and how I spend money...let's just say you and your pal, Dave Ramsey, will have your work cut out for you!  I won't buy into your financial plan at first.  We will fight more about money than anything else.  But I will eventually learn to trust you.  I will come around and finally see that having a budget and being "debt free" is actually possible and quite beneficial.  Repeat after me, "Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else!"

You are going to try and give me the world.  You will try to buy my happiness (with the best of intentions), but it will never work.  I will never be content.  Every time you buy something new or do something for me, I will talk about the next thing.  You will buy me a house, and I will walk through giving you a list of all the things we have to update.  You will paint the room, and I will talk about remodeling the kitchen.  You will buy me a shirt, and I will talk about needing the cute pants that go with them. 

This will leave you feeling inadequate and unappreciated.  I never meant for that.  I am a do-er....a future planner...when I look to the next thing, it isn't that I'm unsatisfied, it's that I have the next task in mind.  I walk around life with a to-do list that I am constantly checking off and moving on to the next thing.  But I will need you to hold me accountable.  Please remind me to learn to be content.  Please remind me to learn to live in the present.  I do appreciate you!  More than I will ever be able to show you. 

I will get busy.  REALLY busy.  I think that I am superwoman...that I can always do it all.  I will try to fill my schedule and our schedules with a million different things because I will tell myself we (I) can handle it all at once.  You will get frustrated.  You like to stay home, relax, and you have been wired with an innate sense of time management.  I was NOT!  I'm the girl that has 5 minutes to leave, will still need to make my lunch, but I stop to change my shirt three more times. 

Which brings me to my next point…  I will always make you late and you will forever be waiting on me.  I'm pretty sure this comes at no surprise.

I will put others before you...friends, family, work.  I will finally realize it when we aren't connecting.  I will get in the bad habit of always giving my best to everyone else and coming home to give you the leftovers.  Sadly, I will have to learn this the hard way.  Don't give up on me.  I will eventually see the value in the downtime we spend together at home.  I will learn how to say No...or at least make a better effort towards accomplishing this!  Aside from God, you are the most important thing in my life and I want my priorities...my time...my actions...to reflect this.

Today we think that we are so alike, but hear me when I say...we are NOTHING alike.  You say black, I will say white.  You say up, I will say down.  We can't let these differences overwhelm us and cloud our perception of the marriage.  These differences, ARE NOT and WILL NOT be deal breakers, even if some days it feels like it. 

We will have to remind ourselves that we do in fact align on ALL of the things that really and truly matter. I will learn to accept who you are and realize that the very reason we are together is because together...we make one incredible, unstoppable team. 

Today I am so in love with you, but three years from now, I will love you even more.  And I am sure 20 years down the road won't even pale in comparison.  Not because we will have the perfect marriage, but because we will know what it is like to work really hard at something, to grow in ways we never thought possible, and to constantly be willing...be willing to say we are sorry...be willing to forgive even if we don't feel like it...be willing to look past the things that don't really matter. 

I will try to make you my one source of happiness and will believe that you should fulfill all of my needs.  I will hold you to a higher standard than I hold myself.  It won't be fair.  It will create a lot of pressure on you.  Give me some time.  I will slowly learn that God is my one and only true source of happiness and fulfillment.  

 

You will disappoint me, you will make me cry, you are human and you will fail me.  And I have to be ok with this.  I have to forgive anyways and love without conditions.  I have to have realistic expectations of you.  I need to let you be who God wants you to be and not who I want you to be. 

I cannot trust my emotions or my feelings, they are always changing.  I will have to act above my emotions, even when I won't feel like it.  Even on the days when I would rather punch you in the face than to listen to another word that comes out of your mouth.   On those days, when I don't have it in me to love you the way you need to be loved, I will ask God to fill me with the love I need for you. The "agape" love. The unconditional love that I can't and will never have on my own.  I want to love you like God loves you.  I want to do what is best for us regardless of how I feel or the circumstances that we face. 

You make me laugh.
 

You make me smile.

You make me feel supported.

You make me feel wanted.
 

You challenge me to be a better person. 
 

You are my one and only.

I will hold tightly to the commitment we will make. 

I will cling to the promise of our vows.

Today, October 15, 2011, we have a lot of life ahead of us.  And three years later, we still will. 

You are my FOREVER now and will be my FOREVER...for ALWAYS!

Love,

Your future wife of three years

Kristen