Unraveled Silence

Silence. 

Silence can fill you with ultimate peace or it can make you painstakingly uncomfortable. 

Silence can provide moments of thoughtful reflection or is an effortless reminder of all that you have NOT done.

Silence can be rewarding or it can be damaging.  

It's a beautiful blessing and an awful curse. 

A double edged sword that mightily drives its wedge between the facets of your life. 

When you allow it to, silence can be your destruction.

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I have been silenced and never fully aware it was happening...

Little by little, moment by moment, choice by choice...I was being silenced.  Looking back on it now I can see a little bit of me unraveling, one moment at a time. 

It's like a string that hangs innocently off a piece of one of your favorite knit sweaters.  You spot the culprit.  With one pull, you think to yourself, I can fix it.  This would be the perfect outfit, if it weren't for that one piece of string out of place.  You spring into action.  You are going to FIX. THE. PROBLEM. 

So, mindlessly you begin to tug.  You pull a little...and pull a little more...and then pull just... a little... more.  It continues to slowly and innocently unravel...

Around and around the string goes and before you even realize what you've done, you're not holding the short, tiny, straggling, little piece any longer.  Instead, you have a mound of string in your hand, your favorite shirt is ruined, and you wished you had never even started pulling on it in the first place. 

You wished you would have just left it all alone...

When you pull on the strings of life sometimes, thinking you are going to make a quick and easy fix, you end up pulling too long and sacrificing the bigger picture.  Your life unravels.

It's innocent.  It's with the best of intentions.  It's going to fix the problem.  It's going to make everything better.  But you wake up one morning, realizing your stuck holding the pile of string...and you should have sought help or stopped to analyze before you just started pulling. Because once you started to pull...you never realized there may have never been an end.

One year ago, I set out on a new journey.  A journey to write.  To share my most personal thoughts and reflections of my life.  To show healing, restoration, redemption, triumphs, even trials and failures.  I wanted to be real.  To be genuine.  To be inspirational.  I wanted to make a difference. 

After going to Africa, I was on a spiritual high.  I wasn't doing enough and I simply needed to do more. 

I ended up taking on too much.  I said yes to everything and anything that came my way.  I was going to fix MY problems.  I was going to fix THEIR problems.  I was going to DO and BE ...it ALL!!

I was going to be their savior...not remembering they already had a savior in full pursuit of them.  If I didn't do it..who would?  If I didn't go...who would?  If I didn't listen...who would?

I would give myself a daily pep talk in the mirror.  I can be the perfect wife.  I can be the diligent employee.  I can be the thoughtful friend.  I can be the wise bible study leader.  I can be the dutiful servant.  I can...And I did. 

The more I did, the more rewarding it felt.  The more I did, the more I wanted to do. 

God was calling me.  God was needing me.  If I wasn't going to do it all...who would?

So, I pulled on the string.  Look at all that I was doing.  Look at all that I was fixing.  Look at what Kristen has accomplished.  Look at Kristen go!  Well done, good and faithful servant! 

But then it began to happen...

The work string became too long. As I started pulling at work, my caseload grew and my students' needs became stronger.  Work days even longer...Can you meet with this teacher?  Can you email these parents?  Will you please help me with this student?  Will you be a part of this committee? 

Something had to give...but what?

And then the friend string became too long.  Can you attend this dinner?  Can we meet up and talk?  Can you come to this event with me?  I had a baby.  I am getting married.  I just want to spend time with you. 

Something had to give...but what?

Then the unexpected string of church.  The one that ALWAYS makes you feel guilty!  Can you lead a small group study?  Will you attend another women's bible study?  Will you serve this weekend?  Will you read this book?  Will you be at this conference?  At this meeting?

Something had to give...but what?

Finally, my husband.  When will you be home?  I haven't seen you in a week.  When are you going to make time for me?  What happened to us?  When am I going to be your priority?

Something had to give...but what?

String after string.  Pull by pull.  I became unraveled.   I had pulled too much, for far too long, and at the end of my hand was the pile of string...I had nothing left. 

I was completely and totally undone. 

And when you're broken.

Unraveled. 

Lost. 

And Vulnerable... that's when evil preys. 

That's when destruction and demise seek to devour you. 

As he lurked in the shadows, the devil watched me, unraveling piece by piece waiting for the perfect opportunity to completely destroy and crush my best intentions. 

And he tried to.  He almost succeeded.

Already tired, weak, and vulnerable after the holiday season...

Life continued to bring pain, disappointment, and heartache.

My life was completely turned upside down.  My spirit crushed.  My heart broken.  My hope failing. 

One morning, I sat in the dark silence of my home.

In that silence...that is when the whispers began. The whisper of lies that plant seeds of doubt.  The whisper of lies that crush your hope.  The lies that whisper...it is over.

You won't overcome this.  This will destroy you.  You failed.  This is all your fault.  You have a right to be angry.  You have a right to hate.  This is impossible.  They won't make it.  It will never be restored.  You're a bad daughter, a horrible wife, a terrible friend.  You should have known.  You should have seen it coming.  Do you really think that people can change?  Do you really think you can make a difference?  Do you really think you can change the world?

I wept.  The silence now filled with my tears.  A thought came to my mind and I really felt God telling me... to just let it all go.  To stop trying so hard. 

Let go. 

Give up. 

Give up your self-reliance. 

Give up your control. 

You can't fix them. 

You can't save them. 

You can't do it on your own...But I can...and I will...so it's time for you to let go. 

The string no longer in my hands.  The pressure no longer on my soul.  The doubt no longer in my mind.  And the fear no longer present in my heart. 

I began to sing a Christian song in my head and as tears streamed down my face, I held on to the promises of God. 

This whole time, not in the darkness, but in the light...he watched too!  He knew what was happening.  He knew what was coming. He tried to tell me.  He tried to warn me. He tried to prepare me.  And then when life knocked the wind out of me, he picked me back up.  Set me on my feet again and this time GOD whispered. 

He whispered truth.  He whispered hope.  He whispered love.  He whispered promise. 

He Knows
By:  Jeremy Camp

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

How hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows, he knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows, he knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
One by one are starting to break free

Every time that you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the broken-hearted
Every tear
He knows...

He knows.  I found comfort in the fact that he knows and wants me to let go.  I am not forsaken.  I am not alone.  And even though others don't know the wounds within...the burden...the pain...the doubt...the fear...HE knows! 

And then I could finally see it.  Ironically, I could finally hear it.

I have been silenced...I have been unraveled...I have been destructed...on purpose.

My words are powerful.  My testimony is important.  People need to hear words of authenticity, words of encouragement, words of peace, and I haven't been speaking them.  I haven't been writing them.  It has been four months since my last blog post.

I...Had...Been...Silenced.

Silenced by busyness, silenced by disappointment, silenced by good intentions, silenced by my occupation, silenced by my schedule, silenced by my choices, silenced by my need for full control, silenced by selfishness, and silenced by the trials and burdens I have faced this year.

Some of it was my own doing...Some of it was just simply what life threw my way. 

I will not be silenced. 

I will not be unraveled. 

I will not be broken. 

I will learn from this and grow in wisdom and discernment. 

When I give a yes...it will be my best yes...and that means I will have to say no. 

God and the people that I love need the best of me...not the unraveled me. 

I sit in silence again today writing this piece.  But the silence this time is refreshing.  The silence this time is filled with hope.  The silence this time has brought me peace.

In his own way, creating his own masterpiece, in his perfect timing, God makes all things new.