In reading my book, The Resolution for Women, I was gently reminded of who God has made me to be. I know that this isn't a revolutionary concept, but we so easily forget that God has made all of us so different. Different for a reason. The bible boldly declares in Jeremiah 1:5 that "God chose us before he formed us in the womb, he set us apart before we were born." God also reminds me that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."
While I wish I could shout that promise from the rooftops, I haven't always felt this to be true. I grew up believing that I had to be a missionary to a far away country or a devoted Sunday school teacher to make a difference. I felt that if I wasn't an inspirational speaker to a crowd of thousands or even an exact replica of Mother Theresa, I wasn't fulfilling my God given purpose. Since I never felt called to do or be any of those things, I felt that somehow I was less than, like somehow I was selling God short. A lie I began to believe. Instead of letting God tell me who I was, I let others.
High School was easy for me. I was involved. I was successful. I knew what I wanted. I had it all figured out and I was fulfilling God's purpose for my life (or so I thought). After a devastating high school sweetheart break-up the summer before college (a true blessing in disguise, I can hear Garth Brooks singing, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers!"), I lost who I was. I had made myself and my purpose centered around what others wanted me to be, not what I knew in my heart to be.
So, off I went to college and an identity crisis unfolded. In my mind, I saw it as an opportunity to start over. Since the end of high school didn't turn out the way I wanted, I was determined to be the COMPLETE opposite of who I was. Never drank in high school, now I am going to get hammered every night. Never really stood up for myself or wanted to stand out, now I will say and do anything to get someone's attention. Never really spoke up or against someone, now I will hide behind honesty and alcohol to say anything I want. Yes, there were pieces of Kristen that always remained. Whispers that I heard that kept telling me, this isn't who you are. This isn't who I made you to be. But I ignored them. I did everything I could to drown them out. I was on the path to self-destruction and at times it felt like I was full speed ahead intently willing to crash.
I felt alone. I felt useless. I felt unworthy. I would drink and eat just to feel something. I lost myself and I couldn't find her. It seemed no matter what I did, it was always wrong. Thank God that I graduated college early. I told myself that it was time to start over. A chance to change. But what I quickly learned is change doesn't happen overnight. I believed that college was the problem and when I left everything would be easier. I slowly discovered it wasn't college. It was myself that had the problem. Even though I wanted to change, I didn't know how. It was slow progress with many opportunities of regression. It seems when you take two steps forward, sometimes you get knocked four steps back. Even years after college, I continued to struggle with who I was.
My first triumph was two years later, when I had lost 50 pounds. Physically, I was back to Kristen, but sadly my heart wasn't there yet. While I wasn't self-destructing my body anymore, my choices continued to destruct my heart. Even though I hid behind the façade of an independent woman with a great career, a great group of girlfriends, and a great family, I wanted desperately to be loved by someone. I wanted a boyfriend. A husband. I was still relying on people, on relationships to make me feel whole and to make me feel important.
One April morning, after a night filled with stupid choices and almost fatal mistakes, I got up the next day with a heart full of regret. I didn't know what else to do so I went on a run. A long run. 10 miles to be exact. It wasn't about getting the exercise that day. It was about running. Running from my problems. Running from my mistakes. Running from the person I had become. The people I passed on the trails probably thought I was crazy as I was running past them with tears streaming down my face.
On that run, I finally began to dialogue with God, something that I hadn't done in years. It felt foreign. It felt wrong to come to him, when I had ignored him for so long. I begged him to give me a second chance (well let's be honest...probably my ten thousandth chance). I didn't want to be reckless with my life anymore. I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. I wanted to have a purpose again. And not just a purpose for the benefit of myself, but for others, because quite frankly, it was time to get over myself. Stop whining, stop making excuses, and DO something. I vowed that day to stop selling myself short. To stop devaluing who I was and the potential that I had.
It was time. Time to stop chasing the wrong things, and let the right things have a chance to catch up. I will never forget that day. It was the first time in a long time that I felt God's grace, his complete forgiveness, and his reminder that I was made for more. It's beautiful how it didn't take long to feel whole again. It took me six years to figure out where a true source of happiness comes from and only one day to feel it. Six years to figure out that the only way I would ever feel complete is to fully surrender. Surrender my way for his instead.
One month after my transformational run, I celebrated my 24th birthday. I will never forget this birthday. It wasn't just a birthday for me. It wasn't just one more year of life. It was the defining moment, the signal of true transformation. That day, I have never felt more loved, more appreciated, and more myself than ever before. It wasn't about the gifts. Quite honestly, I don't even remember what I got. I simply remember how I felt. I finally felt I had a sense of purpose. I finally felt worthy. I finally felt loved. Not just loved by others, but loved by a heavenly father who never gave up on me.
One week later, at an ice cream shop on a blind date, I met Brendan. Unknowingly I had found a partner that I would have for the rest of my life. Finally! The man who would walk beside me, pray for me, challenge me to be a better person, and who would continually encourage me to fulfill my purpose in life. God's timing is impeccable. If we had met in college, a year before, or even just one month earlier it never would have worked out. I wasn't ready yet. I needed to find myself and who I was in Christ, before I could ever find my soul mate.
People that knew who I was in college and who see me now, either encourage the transformation or discredit it. They either believe it and support it or they bash it. Sometimes I can feel them still look at me as the Kristen they used to know, trying to figure out how long I can keep up the façade. I have even had a friend call me out on it. Holding me to a higher standard, just waiting for me to screw up to point out that I haven't really changed. It's ok. I know that it won't be easy. I know that I ruined a lot of relationships by my previous choices. I know that I did some damage that may never be recovered. But my previous choices, mistakes, and failures won't stop me. What people think or say about me won't stop me. Because at the end of the day it isn't about them, and it certainly was never about me.
It's about fulfilling my purpose in this life. Four years ago was just the rock bottom starting point when God wrapped his arms around me and showed me that I was always meant for more. That I was chosen. That I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Made to be a great wife. Made to be a special education teacher. Made to be a devoted friend. Made to be a leader in my church and community. Made to host a bible study in my home. Made to be a interim mother to three orphaned children in Guatemala. Made to be things God hasn't even revealed to me yet.
I have discovered so much of who I am in the last four years, but I know that God isn't finished with me yet. I want to continue to pursue his plan for my life in 2014.
Don't settle. Settling is full of misery and self-doubt. Redemption comes when we find our true potential and when we use that potential to bless others. Relentlessly pursue your purpose. Find out who you are and what you are living for. Just trust him, he has a great plan for your life!
Don't believe the lie. We can't all be missionaries in the Congo. We can't all be preachers and Sunday school teachers. We weren't all made that way. But we do have impact and influence no matter where we are and what we do. We do all have a purpose. Will you relentlessly pursue your purpose for 2014?
