I went to Africa...So...Now What?!

This was my third missions trip.  My third time to fully grasp what poverty really looks like.  My third time to see children with ragged, torn clothes and shoeless, dirty feet.  My third time to leave the country and come back a different person.  My third time to re-enter my life and try to figure out how to navigate it from complete brokenness, to full surrender, and into a powerful pursuit of action.  My third time to be filled with a burning desire to want to do more...But HOW?!  Where do I go from here? 

Having experienced it before, I sort of knew this moment was coming.  I anticipated what lied ahead in the full cycle of mission trip emotions.  I foresaw what would happen when I tried to fit the "new" me back into my "old" life.  If you have ever been on a mission trip before, you may be able to understand...This is what I have gone through in the last few weeks...

1.  Complete Shock
2.  Deep Mourning
3.  New Perspective
4.  Full Pursuit
5.  Let Down
6.  Simple Realizations

I will never forget the first time I came back from our very first missions trip to Guatemala.  When we left, I cried the whole way home on the airplane.  I felt so guilty to leave.  How could I leave these people in poverty?  How can I walk away and leave orphans on the streets with no parents to look after them?  How could I turn my back on people who just need their basic needs met?  I felt like I was betraying them to walk away and return to my abundance of things.

My husband and I got home from the airport one late Sunday night.  We had to go to work the next day and consequently would need groceries.  Tired from the hours of travel and emotionally and mentally drained, I found myself walking aimlessly up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart.  I was in shock.  In shock of all the choices.  I stood there completely and utterly overwhelmed by the stocked shelves and countless varieties of cereal that stood in front of me. 

Here I am, back in the United States, and myself along with another innocent bystander (witnessing my emotional disarray), are standing there trying to decide what we feel like eating in the morning.  As I stared at Honey Nut Cheerio's or Captain Crunch, I couldn't help but think of the Guatemalan people just six hours away who were wondering not what they wanted to eat, but simply if they were going to eat. 

Then I came home.  Your house is cleaner than you remembered.  Bigger than you thought it was.  And full of luxuries you never thought you had. Your mind instantly takes you back to the sights you saw of people living in cardboard boxes, makeshift metal shacks, and trash dumps. 

I took a shower in clean water using soap and shampoo and for once that week...I finally felt clean.  But what about the people who will never feel clean?  I'm bathing in cleaner water than they could drink.

I began to do laundry and walked into my closet to see hundreds of shirts, dresses, and pants all lined up.  Some I have never even worn and still go and buy more.  More clothes I don't need.  I thought of all the children with holes in their shoes or no shoes at all.  And all the people that wore tattered and dirty clothes, never owning a new shirt to call their own.

I turned my phone back on after being off for almost a whole week and it began to ding relentlessly as emails flooded my inbox and other notifications filled my screen.  I wasn't ready to be thrown back into the life of business, importance, and schedules.  I missed just being able to simply...BE.  I laid in bed for two days after returning from Kenya to just cry and process this foreign life.

They threw you back into the lions den and you're standing there facing the outside world in complete shock.  Nobody warned you.  Nobody told you what you would feel when you got home.  Nobody prepared you for this.  And unless they went with you, they will never fully understand. 

And even with a warning... the third time wasn't any easier.

After a few days (or weeks) of the shock slowly dissipating then comes the mourning.  You are sad.  You miss the experiences you had.  The friends you made.  The person you were.  The life you lived, even if it were for just a week or two.  You long to be as carefree as you were.  You long to feel as moved as you were.  You long for the embrace of the child you held in your arms, to see their big brown eyed smiles, or to hear their beautiful voices singing songs of praise.

You want to go back.  You want to feel that wholeness, that completeness, that pure joy once more. 

Without the pressures of life, the demands of a job, the influences of other people around you...you could simply...just...BE. 

You mourn not only for the people, for the experience, or for the place, but also for that part of you, the you found deep within.  The you, you never thought you could be.  That you is harder to find here.  That you is robbed when normal life returns.

And your perspective changes...at least for a while.  You don't look at all the things that you DON'T have....your eyes are finally open to see all the things that you DO have.  And not just have...but have in excess. 

You suddenly count the six pairs of tennis shoes lined up in your closet and when you see them in the store, you really don't NEED another pair.  You finally notice the fifty-seven shirts you have to choose from when you get dressed every morning and you can no longer say that you have nothing to wear.  The "junky car" you thought you had actually still drives you from point A to point B and that is all that matters.  Or remembering that as you are looking at a completely packed refrigerator and a pantry stuffed full of food and get ready to declare that there is "nothing to eat" for dinner...suddenly, leftovers or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are now considered a great alternative.

After the emotions stabilize (and that takes a while) and you finally settled back into life at home and that deep void in your heart grows...you long...long to do something more with your life.  That's when you dive deep into an action plan...full pursuit of finding your purpose. Your life after the missions trip.

Waking up, going to work, coming home and doing it all over again, just isn't enough anymore.  You lived life and lived it abundantly in a country halfway around the world.  So, being ordinary simply isn't going to cut it.  You crave more.  You desire more. 

And that...that is exactly where I am.  I went to Africa...So...Now WHAT?!

I came back and had all of these ideas swimming around in my head...plans to do more. 

Grand plans...but also simple ones. 

I wanted to give more attention and exposure to missions...and I think I have.  I wanted us to give more money to missions...and I think we have.  I wanted to serve and witness more in my community...and I am working on that. 

But is that enough?  What else am I supposed to do?  Can it be that simple?

I have been grappling with God's plan for my life.  I have been searching for what's next.  Where are you leading me?  What am I supposed to do now?  Do you want me to continue to live life the way that I am?  Or is there more to this life that I am missing?

When you experience something so extraordinary...so incredible...your left with a little bit of a let down after the dust settles. 

I want to go save the WORLD...and I can't.  I want to make a profound impact...but how?  I want to do something extraordinary...but what? 

Sometimes God asks us to be still. 

Sometimes God asks us to wait. 

Sometimes God asks us to trust. 

Sometimes God doesn't want us to look to the grandest, biggest moments at the top of the hill, but simply to focus on each step as we climb to greater things. 

I'm climbing those steps.  But each step is difficult.  Each choice leads you a different way.

When you get sucked back into the world you lose the fire and relentless pursuit you once had.  Sometimes walking out each step leads you to complacency. 

I know it all to well because I have experienced it before.  You return home, ready to take on the world, but then your car breaks down, your job pulls you in twenty different directions, your calendar fills up, and your life goes on...so did all of your dreams and plans.  (I know because I just experienced all of this). 

I realize that change doesn't happen overnight.  Big changes.  The changes I desire and crave.  Really don't come immediately.  They take time.  Time that I am not always patient for.  Time that I am not always in control of...And I like to be in control. 

So, sometimes God asks you to jump.

My biggest question is do I sit and be still or do I jump?  There's a time and place for both.  Sometimes sitting too long diminishes the flame...but jumping too soon...causes you to crash and burn.

My favorite apostle was Peter.  Not because he was perfect, but because for some reason I can relate to him so much.  The questions Peter had, the things Peter said, and proudly and sometimes ashamedly even the things Peter had done...are very similar to myself. 

One of my favorite stories in John 21 is when Jesus returns to the apostles after his resurrection. Peter and some other disciples are out in a boat fishing.  They see a man on the shore and when they finally realize it is Jesus, Peter literally jumps out of the boat and swims to shore. 

He wants to go all-in.  He doesn't even have to think about it...he just jumps.  He didn't check the temperature in the water first...or measure the distance to shore...or train for a month before swimming a long distance...or ask if the others thought he should jump or not...he just went for it. 

He got to shore and Jesus eats breakfast with him and ends up telling Peter the future plans for his life.  "Peter, if you love me...feed my lambs...if you love me...tend to my sheep...if you love me...you will follow me."  And Peter did.  He followed him the rest of his life.  Did he have this one big plan for Peter and his life...yes...but it was simple...follow me...and go.  Go take care of my sheep (people) and tell them about me.

So...Now what?!  Well, truth is...I have no idea...But I have jumped out of the boat...and I am swimming to Jesus.  To the shore.  To the big plans he has waiting for me ahead. 

If I stay in the boat too long, I will over analyze it.  If I stay in the boat too long, I will make up every excuse as to why I shouldn't.  If I stay in the boat too long, I will doubt myself and let fear overcome me. So, I just have to jump and swim aimlessly for the shore. 

So, while I swim (and wait), I will live my life every day in the best way that I can...hoping...and trusting...that I will follow Jesus to the shore.  That I will take care of his sheep.  And that I will tell others about him and how they can have life, and life abundantly.

Maybe, that's the big plan for my life...the big void I need to fill...the purpose I so desperately crave.

Billy Graham, one of the most influential preachers and disciples of our time, hasn't always been the Billy Graham we know and are in awe of today.  How did he achieve such status?  Such impact?  Such influence?  He simply jumped out of the boat and swam.  He followed.  And while he followed he simply began to tell people about God.  The more he told, the more would come to listen.  The impact was profound....but, through a lifetime...not overnight.  He simply let God use him and his life.  That is what led to his greatness.

So...I went to Africa...Now what?!

Now I simply feed and tend to the sheep...tell others about God...and follow... 

Follow a life that hopefully will someday lead to greatness.