As I sat there, my eyes began to wander. They slowly moved around the room and unknowingly I began to inspect all of the imperfections that laid before me. Thoughts...embarrassing thoughts....began to flood my mind.
Look at how dingy and disgusting that carpet is...we need to get that replaced.
Ugh, I hate those light hardwood floors...they clearly don't match the dark wood finishes in the rest of the house, we need to have them refinished.
I hate that paint in the entry way...you can never tell if it is beige or yellow and when it looks yellow it looks awful.
And don't even get me started on the original brass, caged "chandelier" in the entry way...home builders should be shot for putting cheap, brass fixtures in a home...We have successfully replaced every single one of those disgusting light fixtures, except this one, on display for all to see as they walk into our home...
Sadly, I am pretty sure I sat there for a good 15 minutes, sidetracked from my bible study (you know, the one part of my day that I was supposed to be content), to wallow in self-pity and uncover all of the discontentment that welled up from deep inside. I casually refocused on the task at hand, finished up with a prayer, and went on my merry way, not even thinking twice about what had just taken place...But God did. And I'm pretty sure he was up there chuckling to himself for what was about to unfold.
About a week later, in the African country of Kenya, in a remote village near Massai Corner, I stood and stared at a one bedroom, mud packed home, with a grass roof, and a dirt floor...I looked at the family who lived there, the same family who proudly invited me to sit in their home and smiled as they shared with us what they had been going through. My world was rocked, my life was forever changed, and my perspective didn't leave unscathed.
I was now looking at my home through the lens of a third world country and I was ashamed at how I had felt just a few days prior. My home. My beautiful home...was perfect. The carpet suddenly looked more white and clean when I returned home. The wooden floors...well they weren't dirt. And the ugly brass chandelier...I just saw light. Light that shined in darkness.
Contentment means a state of happiness and satisfaction. A few synonyms for contentment are gratification, fulfillment, cheerfulness, and even peace. I didn't have any of those feelings...at least not until I looked around the mud hut and saw all of it's beautiful imperfections and the pride this family still had for it all.
The thing that struck me the most wasn't the dirt floor, or the mud walls, or the fact that they didn't have indoor plumbing or electricity, it was that as I looked inside their home, I saw nothing. It was empty. No chandelier hanging from their entry way. No couches to sit on. No decorations on the walls. Not even a bed to sleep on or a dresser to put their clothes in. Nothing.
I felt ashamed. I felt unworthy. I felt disgusted. I had slowly let discontentment creep into my soul. Back home, I had allowed what the people around me had to dictate what I felt I deserved. I tried so desperately to keep up with the Jones', instead of desperately trying to make a difference.
I love God and who he is. He is a God of mercy and grace. He didn't allow me to wallow in self- deprivation that day. Instead he challenged me. Now that your eyes are open to the blessings that you have...what are you going to do about it?
I know that I am freaking some of you out. You're waiting for it aren't you?....
Did he want me to come home, sell EVERYTHING I own, and go back to Kenya to live in a mud hut?
No. He doesn't. But he wants me to have the heart that I could.
He wants to know that I am...All-In. That if I had to make the sacrifices, I would. That my eyes and heart are opened to realize that it is all just stuff. Stuff that I won't take with me when I leave this world.
It reminds me of one of the most profound and disputed stories in the bible, the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham and Sarah waited so long to have a son. It seemed impossible to have a child at their age. But God promised them he would bless them. He promised them he would give them a son. And that son would be the beginning of nations, generations. (You know the song in Sunday School is flooding back your memory..."Father Abraham, had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham, I am one of them, And so are you, So let's just praise the LORD.")
After many years of anguish and waiting, God delivered and fulfilled his promise of a son, his name was Isaac. When Isaac was a boy, God asked Abraham to do something that is and was so incomprehensible. He asked him to sacrifice his son...That story really messes with people sometimes...why in the world would God ask such a horrific thing? Because it would depict faith at its most raw and most obedient of times. Aside from Jesus, it is the greatest faith and trust ever displayed (in my opinion).
God never actually wanted Abraham to follow through with it...he just wanted to see if he could...if he would. A test. A test to see...If he really did trust God like he said he did...If he really did have the faith he claimed to...If he really did love God more than anything or anyone else. In that moment, God had Abraham exactly where he wanted him. Nothing and No One was greater than his love for God. That can make us uncomfortable. It will. It should.
God doesn't want me to give it all up...he simply just wants to know that I could and that I would. He just wants to know that there is nothing that is greater than my love for him.
Am I there yet? NOPE. I so desperately wish I was. I'd like to think that I am. But I know myself and God knows my heart. I might not be, but with every step of obedience, I feel one step closer to being there. The place I long for. The place of contentment, pure satisfaction, and full gratification.
Once I get there...If I ever get there...will I stay there...NOPE. It will be a constant battle. I love what Paul says in Galatians 5:17: "The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions." That sucks. It pretty much claims that even with good intentions we fail.
But I love what he says later because it shows God's mercy and grace to see our best intentions, even though they may fail..."Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives."
I love that it says, follow. It signifies we can't do it alone. It illustrates we don't have the lead. It reminds me that it is impossible on my own. The only way I will ever be fully content is to rely on God. The only way that I will ever have a heart full of gratitude is when my heart is full of love.
That's what God wanted to reveal to me in Kenya....
He wanted me to learn one incredible lesson that I heard over and over on the trip, thanks to my new friends, "I am blessed...to be a blessing."
It's a hard pill to swallow. I feel wrong for being "blessed" in the way that I have. It's not fair.
But if I look at it through the lens of a third world country, they do feel blessed. They feel blessed to have a well built next to their village. They feel blessed to be healed from a sickness through clinics and medicine. They feel blessed that their child is getting a good education. They feel blessed to have good crops that will feed their family. They feel blessed to be able to attend church, worship God and to have their own Bible.
They do feel blessed, maybe not in the way that I thought you were blessed, but they do and they are.
Blessed actually means to be consecrated and holy and wait for it...content!
It has nothing to do with what we have been given...in the material sense.
I've learned a few things about what being blessed REALLY means...
- Being blessed is not based on the things that we have, it is based upon the contentment of our hearts.
- Being blessed is not based on the wealth we have accumulated, but in the relationships we share with Christ and our love for others.
- Being blessed is not based on all the good that has taken place in our lives, but simply on the lessons we've learned through both triumph and tragedy.
- Being blessed is not based on being self-sufficient, but being completely and totally reliant upon God.
I've never felt more blessed, more content, more appreciative, more gratification, in all of my life.
Will it fade?...Sadly...but truthfully...yes...it will.
How do I protect it?
Through prayer, through giving and serving, through going on more mission trips, through accountability with my husband and other Christians, and through reminders...Reminders like this blog post.
I don't feel guilty for what I have, but I do feel incredibly grateful, honored, and humbled...
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