Calling All Control Freaks...

Yes, you, the one who has a color coded planner.


Yes, you, the one who knows what every hour of every day will look like this week because you review it every Sunday night before bed.


Yes, you, goal setter.  The one who sets daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals and goals to reach those goals.


Yes, you, the one who has or has had a picture of what your life should look like one year, five years, ten years, down the road...


Yes, I'm talking to you...and to me...the one who is just like you.

But hold on tight...I'm about to rock our world! 

This blog was birthed from resolutions.  Another year down in the blink of an eye and another year quickly arises.  The time of fresh starts, clean slates, and white, empty pages emerge.  The simple yet fragrant smell of HOPE in the air. 

As I sat down this morning (yes, I do realize I'm four days late) to write my goals for 2016 into specific categories...a common theme emerged...relationships.  Yes! What a great theme for 2016, I thought.  You can make your relationship with God a priority, improve your relationship with your husband by being a better wife, encourage your friends and family, and even work on the relationship you have with yourself.  What a simple, yet, profound theme!  What a novel idea!  Man, I'm really good at this resolution thing!  But this was after all, Kristen's goals.  And while they weren't wrong, they were a little misguided.

Because then, I began my quiet time.  Something I started three years ago as a resolution, and have consistently tried to keep. It's simple, quiet, uninterrupted (well, for the most part) time to reflect, pray, read, and just to be still.  It's my favorite part of my day.  A chance to stop, escape the daily demands of this life, and really hear my heart and God's voice. 

Every January, when creating my yearly resolutions, I like to re-read my favorite verse.  The verse that has inspired me and all of my resolutions.  My marriage verse.  My life verse. 

But for some strange, but not unusual reason...this time...I noticed something very different in this verse and in the verses that follow in this popular Jeremiah chapter...

There's a part of all of us that can resonate with these words.  It's both comforting and encouraging.  We know God is good and that he wants the best for us.  We are reminded of that love when we read this promise. 


But, when I've read and reflected on this verse in the past it might as well said, "For I know the plans I have for myself, declares Kristen, plans for good and not for disaster, and God will give me a future and a hope that align with them."  AMEN. 


Oops.  There I went again trying to play God.  Trying to be in control.  But somehow, when I read it this morning, I finally read something completely different.  Shocked as I sat there in a quiet revelation...The control wasn't mine and to be honest, I knew it never was. 


Let me show the verse to you one more time.  This time...the part that stood out, the part I've never really focused on before, was not the plans that I had for myself, but the plans that God has for me...


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you, declares the LORD," -Jeremiah 29:11-14


For the first time, I read it from God's perspective and not my own.  I finally noticed that he is the one speaking...not me. 


There are plans that God has for me that I can't even fathom.  Things I have never seen.  Things that even if I did, I wouldn't believe to be true.  Plans for good and not for disaster.  Plans full of hope.  And if I would stop looking to myself for all of the plans, the goals, the dreams, and instead look for his wholeheartedly...I will find them. 


There are plans in my life, plans that I never would have made on my own, plans that I never could have pursued left to my own accord, plans that I never knew existed as an option in the first place. 


The man I married...never would have picked him for myself or thought that I deserved someone like him.  The doors that have opened up in my career...never could have opened myself.  The relationships that have come into my life for various reasons...never would have chosen.  The trials and tribulations I've experienced and become a stronger person because of...never would have embraced with open arms. 


You see...everything...every relationship, every event, every success, every failure, every choice, in my life had to be controlled by someone.  When they were controlled by me, they didn't always turn out the best.  When they were controlled by God, they may not have always been easy, but they ALWAYS turned out for good.

So, what seems to be the problem you ask?  Well...while I know all of this to be true...I can't seem to relinquish my rights that easily.  I'm a little stubborn if you couldn't tell.  I struggle with finding the balance of being a planned, wise, and methodical person and letting go of what I can't control. 


I don't know about you, but...I'm really good at making my own plans for my life.  I've always been proud to claim and appear of being in control of my life (well...in my adult life...after college that is). 


I've always been one to plan ahead, set goals, and work through the failures to accomplish them. 


Kristen always has a "What's next?" 


Kristen has always prepared for the future. 


Kristen is always in control. 


There's the word...I said it...the word that has me stirring uncomfortably in turmoil this morning...CONTROL.  While I consistently reassure myself that I'm in control...we all know that I'm not.  And you aren't either. 


Through several recent experiences and decisions, I've lost control.  I'm freaking out because I can't control what will or will not happen.  I don't know the future, I don't know what's next, and I simply can't handle it.

• My grandpa is in his last stages of Alzheimer's and there is no cure.
• My other grandpa was given a similar diagnosis.
• I can't make people forgive others and tell them they are sorry.
• I can't save people from their mistakes, I'm not their savior.
• I am scared to have kids right now, but what if we have trouble getting pregnant.
• What if I get my doctorate, and I'm not cut out to be in a leadership position.
• Will the calf muscle I tore, tear again and keep me from running.

We can't control tomorrow.  We can't control someone else.  We can't control the outcome.  While I know this, I have found comfort in believing that I could.


This past year, 2015, has been lesson after lesson and time after time, of being stripped of my control. 


Relinquishing control means that I have to rely on something else.  Someone else.  Because I can't. 

Giving up my control means putting my trust and hope, not in myself, but in the only one who can control the universe and its entire existence.  The one who reminded me this morning to trust in his plans for my life.  The one who reminded me that if I seek him and his will, I will find him and I will find my purpose. 

When we got married, I had a hard time with the word submission.  I was an INDEPENDENT woman and I was NOT submitting to my husband.  That idea was "old school." But over time, I realized that submission was simply trust.  I trusted my husband, so I submitted to his plans because I knew he would always have my best interest at heart.  I trusted my husband, so I would respect and listen to his ideas and plans for our lives.  I trusted my husband, so I submitted my life and our future to him.

It shouldn't be any different with God.  I need to trust that God's ways are higher than my ways.  That his plans are so much better than my own.  That his love for me is greater than the love I have for myself.  And there is no one on this planet that wants me to have a life full of promise, full of hope, full of love, and full of favor than my heavenly father.  There's no one I trust more to hand over the reigns of my life to...than him. 

His ways are good. 


His timing is impeccable.


His plans are pure. 


But for me...It's a daily decision.  A conscious choice to wake up Every. Single. Morning. and hand it over.  Because I'm sure tomorrow I will want the control back.


God, I don't know what today holds, but you can have it.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I pray you show me the way.  I don't know what my future is, but I trust that you will guide my feet every step of the way.  I don't know what's to come, but I believe you are preparing me for it.


Take a deep breath....Relinquishing control, doesn't mean I stop planning.  It doesn't mean I stop goal setting.  And it certainly doesn't mean that I stop moving.  It just simply means that before I plan, before I set goals, before I move...I will reflect, seek, and pray to make sure that it's God's will and not my own.  That it is for the betterment of him and others.  I want to be fearless in the pursuit of his will and not my own.  To relinquish my control for his instead.  And you can to.  Breathe.  Trust.  And let go.